This was written in class the day before I finally submitted my projects. Reflects my mood at that time.
The weirdest daydreams are helping me pass the time. This is not me in a happy daydream which involves me in situations which are ideal and where life is awesome. They help me escape my current existence which is hell. A time where I sleep all day and then waste time playing games or on the internet and get 50 to 100 words done of a 3000 word project done every night. Then I get up for breakfast, waking up as if from a dream which is what the past 10 hours have been. I am daydreaming( in the night) as I play FIFA, read a lot of stuff on sports news websites, band profiles, country profiles, city profiles, album profiles, movie profiles on Wikipedia, videos on YouTube, movies stored on the laptop, ebooks etc. While I am doing this, there is a small dim recess of my mind which knows I am in even more trouble if I keep going, then I look at the clock, only 11:00 pm, before I know it it’s 3:30, 5:00 and dawn starts breaking and this is when I get the work done (those 50 to 100 words).
Then that shameful walk to breakfast, that horrible sinking feeling. Depending on when I’ve slept, either I feel the need to sleep immediately or I don’t. Then comes the biggest problem, to go or not to go to class. When I make that decision not to go to class, I know that I am not going to do anything at all, but I’m so fucking angry with myself I will then want to continue reading or watching the nonsense I am until I’m too sleepy to think before I fall asleep. If I go to class, I act super depressed for the first hour but eventually get over it and I think about better things and talk to people and feel better. I hate and love the computer. It is the reason I feel like I live in hell right now but it is an amazing thing, and the desire I have to know more and more random stuff is well-satisfied. It feels even more incredible especially when I have projects or exams. When I don’t have the load over my head, then it’s the desire to meet people, go out, have fun which somehow overpowers this.
I am addicted and I need help but sometimes doing this feels so involuntary that I wonder if I need help of the pill-popping and talking to a shrink kind. But I know I need to find it within myself to do something about this. This is getting insane and giving me a lot of unhappiness. And there is nothing at all in the world which gives me any indication that things will change at all. I hope I become slightly better , and this vicious cycle gets over a little earlier when it is time to write a law school project again.
